Review: Night Train to Terror (1985)

Why watch one crappy movie when you can put three in a blender, set the motherfucker to full speed, and inject the pure, compressed b-smoothie directly into your eyeballs, served with a side order of beer and crisps?

blu“NIGHT TRAIN TO TERROR”
1985
Horror/Exploitation
USA

Director: Shitloads
Stars: John Phillip Law, Cameron Mitchell, Richard Moll
Distributor: Vinegar Syndrome
Runtime: 98 mins
BLU-RAY REGION ALL

“You rang for me? What can I do for you Mr. Satan?”

night4

God and Satan (playing themselves) are passing time on an 80s rock music video train journey to oblivion, passing judgement on three souls whose stories cover a spectrum of moral conundra. Torture porn, holocaust-survivor-murdering satanists, construction-grade russian roulette: covered. AND MORE.

night2

A complilation with theological wrapping, quite possibly the most perfect introduction to the world of b-movie heaven and hell. Three films (one of which unfinished) were re-cut to create this piece of genius crapola. Bonus points for using the same actor as “Otto the Rapist hospital orderly” (sub-film 1) and author of fictional best-seller “God is Dead” (sub-film 3).

night5

Loses one B-point for occasional jumps in logic due to excessive cutting (assuming the originals made sense) and the repetition of rock-classic “Dance With Me”, performed in full at least 7 times.

night1

bpoint-5